All names have been changed to protect the ones fucked over.
This story happened sometime in my college years, to name the year would pin point the girls involved. Since this could have happened in the previous 4 years it could be any set of (un)lucky girls.
I once dated this girl who looked like a runway model. Let’s call her Shy. Shy and I broke up well over a year before this incident, and during that time we hung out a bit, usually to get stoned and eat Oreo’s. During this time, I just started to date this other girl, "Marcy". Marcy and I were only together for a short time. Anyway, on to the day.
It was a very nice day, all of my roommates and I were drinking heavily because we had to kick the keg of Yungling before we got Nattie Ice for the party. I get a call from Shy saying that she just broke up with her boyfriend, for the fifth time. Typically, when she broke up with him, she would come over and joke about fucking me. I thought that today was going to be the same.
So, I keep drinking and I tell the roommates that she is coming over. About 2 hours later she shows up. I am rather shithoused, she is already very high. Without saying a word, she comes up to me, grabs my arm and leads me to my room. We get there pack up smoke stax, and have at him. During this time she is sitting on the couch, we are bullshitting about typical college shit, but the look in her eyes is telling me, "I want your cock". My conscience having been drown in glass after glass of sweet lager, I pursued the obvious.
She starts talking how having sex with me is going to be a bad idea because I am seeing Marcy. FUCK. I remember that Marcy is going to come over sometime in the afternoon to hang out. In the fog of my mind, I tell Shy that Marcy is going to come over. Shy says that its not a good idea because she doesn’t want to get caught helping me cheat.
Ding! Eric has an idea. I tell Marcy that I will be right back. I storm out of my room, and I find the only roommate that will not fuck me over in this situation. The one with a bitch girlfriend. I have helped him keep secrets from his girl, so he owes me a solid. I can not get RoomateBoner away from my other flat mates. So, not wanting to leave a very attractive girl wondering what is going on. I just make my announcement to everyone. What comes out of my mouth next is still perhaps the most underhanded thing that I have done to anyone. I remember it exactly, "Shy is in my room, she wants to fuck me, but Marcy might be stopping over. I need you to call me on my cell when she gets here so I can dry my dick off before she gets to my room."
Awkward silence overcomes my plastered roommates. It goes without saying that the only one without a girl there steps up to the plate, and tells me that he will call me if Marcy shows up. I thank him, but not before asking him to borrow a rubber. I go back to my room with a huge smile on my face. I tell Shy not to worry about Marcy coming over. Of course she asks why, I tell her that if she comes, one of my roommates is going to call me so we can get dressed. I get a horrid look from Shy. It was that look like, you told your roommates that we are going to fuck. I think I could have told her the truth, because she was so stuck on having sex with me that nothing short of telling her that I have AIDS (read: i have never had an STD) would have changed her mind.
After assuring her that I have all of my bases covered, we started the process of fornication. I don’t even get her pants off when my cell phone rings. My roommate tells me that Marcy is on her way to my room. I call bullshit and keep working on Shy. He calls again and this time says, I am not bullshitting you, she is coming up RIGHT NOW. Not wanting to be a total dick, I have Shy zip her pants up, and run to the couch in my room.
I try to hide my blood filled member I have by sitting in my chair and covering up with a blanket. I also get smoke stax and pretend like we are finishing up a big ole bong rip. The most awkward introduction then happens. It went something like, "Marcy, this my ex Shy, Shy this is my current girlfriend Marcy." Luckily Shy left shortly after, Marcy was too intent on fucking me that she didn’t care. Before Shy even left the house, I was balls deep in Marcy.
Moral of the story: Girlfriends be wary of any guy who has a girl in his room that you haven’t met. If you haven’t met her, chances are he is trying to fuck her too. Possibly as you are walking up the stairs
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The Earring Story
The night started out innocently enough. Just a few guys around doing jager-bombs, Irish Carbombs, and bonging Natural Ice from a 2 story beer bong complete with a shutoff valve. After someone had the great revelation that we were having a sausage party, we march uptown. With Big Steve leading the charge, we were headed to Wolfendales.
Wolfendales is like any other college town dance bar. On most nights this is where you go when you are really drunk, and want to make an ass out of yourself. After the overly-brisk walk to the bar, I sense that my beer goggles are at about a power 3. Meaning that I have a 3 point swing in the standard "out of 10" rating system. Meaning a 10 could be a 7, a 7 could be a 4. Not so bad with the high end, but when you think she is a respectful 6, she could be a 3. Anyway, if you don’t get it by now, stop reading.
Steve calls me over to the bar, whips out a fat wad of cash and says start namming shots. We did some snake bites, jack, jager, a deathwish (wild turkey, jager and rupplemints), and other assorted shots. In retrospect I estimate my beer goggles were at least a power 8. Its basically luck in this stage of the game. I picked the first willing girl to want to dance with me. She had on a cute cabbie hat, and had a thick southern accent. That’s all that was needed for me.
I eventually sell this girl who will remain nameless, because I don’t know her name, to come back to my house because she had to see my sweet room. We get up to my room, and we start going at it. We are making out on the couch when she starts sucking on my left ear. I hear a distinct click, and I know that my hoop earring has been unhooked. I go to feel my ear, and my earring was not there, its the type that hooks into itself and you can just pull on to get it off; so it did not hurt.
I look at the girl, and I notice this concerned look on her face. I kindly asked if she could put my earring on my desk. She told me that she did not know where it went. I just flat out ask her if she ate my earring. She confessed to eating it, and told me that she would buy me another one tomorrow. At
Figuring if the girl was that good at sucking things off, I decided to propose to her, “If you can suck my earring off my ear, I'd like to see what you can do with my dick.” I asked and she performed. I had the worst case of whiskey dick, she had no chance to get me off. After she her efforts went unrewarded, I decided that there was no reason to have sex if I cant get off, and the bitch ate my earring, I tell her that I am going to bed, you sleep on the couch.
The next morning rolls around, I have a terrible headache and vivid memories of bringing home a girl. Sure enough there she was, on my couch. After seeing her, I immediately go into, "get ugly chick out of my house before my roommates see her" mode. That means getting past 3 roommates, and whoever crashed at the house that night. I roll downstairs to a living room chalked full of awake and suspicious friends.
Everyone down there was in a really good mood. They all know that I brought home a girl, becasue at some point during the night I said to Steve, "I am going home to fuck this girl" I just decided that I am going to come clean, and tell them everything about last night. Hey, if I tell the truth I might be able to get a laugh out of it. I told them I didn’t fuck her because she ate my earring. They all thought that was funny, until I told them what she looked like.
I go back upstairs to kick the bitch out of my room. I find her upstairs in tears. Turns out that she is from Alabama, and is up visitng her sister. She had no idea where she was, or what was going on. She tried calling her sister to come pick up up, but her sister wasnt answering her calls. I let this go on for about five minutes, then I tell her that I dont give a fuck, and that she had to leave.
I bit the bullet and walked her out of the house. This girl had to have noticed Mooter putting a pillow over his head so he wouldn’t bust out laughing. Woods was not quite so nice. He saw her and just started busting out laughing and making fun of her for eating my earring. This girl was so embarrassed that she literally ran down the steps and out the door. By this time, I was laughing so hard that I was in tears.
Moral of the Story:
Never swollow an earring. It will make you unattractive when I sober up.
Wolfendales is like any other college town dance bar. On most nights this is where you go when you are really drunk, and want to make an ass out of yourself. After the overly-brisk walk to the bar, I sense that my beer goggles are at about a power 3. Meaning that I have a 3 point swing in the standard "out of 10" rating system. Meaning a 10 could be a 7, a 7 could be a 4. Not so bad with the high end, but when you think she is a respectful 6, she could be a 3. Anyway, if you don’t get it by now, stop reading.
Steve calls me over to the bar, whips out a fat wad of cash and says start namming shots. We did some snake bites, jack, jager, a deathwish (wild turkey, jager and rupplemints), and other assorted shots. In retrospect I estimate my beer goggles were at least a power 8. Its basically luck in this stage of the game. I picked the first willing girl to want to dance with me. She had on a cute cabbie hat, and had a thick southern accent. That’s all that was needed for me.
I eventually sell this girl who will remain nameless, because I don’t know her name, to come back to my house because she had to see my sweet room. We get up to my room, and we start going at it. We are making out on the couch when she starts sucking on my left ear. I hear a distinct click, and I know that my hoop earring has been unhooked. I go to feel my ear, and my earring was not there, its the type that hooks into itself and you can just pull on to get it off; so it did not hurt.
I look at the girl, and I notice this concerned look on her face. I kindly asked if she could put my earring on my desk. She told me that she did not know where it went. I just flat out ask her if she ate my earring. She confessed to eating it, and told me that she would buy me another one tomorrow. At
Figuring if the girl was that good at sucking things off, I decided to propose to her, “If you can suck my earring off my ear, I'd like to see what you can do with my dick.” I asked and she performed. I had the worst case of whiskey dick, she had no chance to get me off. After she her efforts went unrewarded, I decided that there was no reason to have sex if I cant get off, and the bitch ate my earring, I tell her that I am going to bed, you sleep on the couch.
The next morning rolls around, I have a terrible headache and vivid memories of bringing home a girl. Sure enough there she was, on my couch. After seeing her, I immediately go into, "get ugly chick out of my house before my roommates see her" mode. That means getting past 3 roommates, and whoever crashed at the house that night. I roll downstairs to a living room chalked full of awake and suspicious friends.
Everyone down there was in a really good mood. They all know that I brought home a girl, becasue at some point during the night I said to Steve, "I am going home to fuck this girl" I just decided that I am going to come clean, and tell them everything about last night. Hey, if I tell the truth I might be able to get a laugh out of it. I told them I didn’t fuck her because she ate my earring. They all thought that was funny, until I told them what she looked like.
I go back upstairs to kick the bitch out of my room. I find her upstairs in tears. Turns out that she is from Alabama, and is up visitng her sister. She had no idea where she was, or what was going on. She tried calling her sister to come pick up up, but her sister wasnt answering her calls. I let this go on for about five minutes, then I tell her that I dont give a fuck, and that she had to leave.
I bit the bullet and walked her out of the house. This girl had to have noticed Mooter putting a pillow over his head so he wouldn’t bust out laughing. Woods was not quite so nice. He saw her and just started busting out laughing and making fun of her for eating my earring. This girl was so embarrassed that she literally ran down the steps and out the door. By this time, I was laughing so hard that I was in tears.
Moral of the Story:
Never swollow an earring. It will make you unattractive when I sober up.
The Highlife House vrs.Commonwealth of PA
It was the first week of the fall semester during my "senior" year. We decided that we were going to have a small get together. We bought a keg of Nattie Ice, got on our respective horns and invited a few people over.
We ended up with about 10 people and the 4 roomates, hardly a party. Our neighbors were having a slightly larger party with well over 50 people, their party was very loud compared to ours. At about 10:00 there were a few of us on the back porch smoking cigarettes and drinking shitty beer. We could barley hear each other over the neighbors party. At about 10:10, a cop car pulls into the alley between the two houses, a cop went to each of the houses. They threaten some of my party guests to go inside or the they were going to come into the house and turn down the music, or we were going to get a noise violation.
The cops only came to our house becasue our neighbors party was reported by the town dick across the street for being to loud. They had no reason to come to our house and threaten this action. About an hour later, the cop was just driving down the road and saw that we still had a party going. Officer Buttnugget came and gave us a noise violation.
Now, most college students would just buck up the few hundred bucks and pay the fine. Not us, we were going to fight this tooth and nail. We went, plead not guilty and paid a refundable $50 and started to devise a plan.
We had a house meeting to decide how we were going to fight this bullshit charge. We researched the city noise ordanice and found out that it contains a very loose defination of what is considered a noise violation.
We ended up with about 10 people and the 4 roomates, hardly a party. Our neighbors were having a slightly larger party with well over 50 people, their party was very loud compared to ours. At about 10:00 there were a few of us on the back porch smoking cigarettes and drinking shitty beer. We could barley hear each other over the neighbors party. At about 10:10, a cop car pulls into the alley between the two houses, a cop went to each of the houses. They threaten some of my party guests to go inside or the they were going to come into the house and turn down the music, or we were going to get a noise violation.
The cops only came to our house becasue our neighbors party was reported by the town dick across the street for being to loud. They had no reason to come to our house and threaten this action. About an hour later, the cop was just driving down the road and saw that we still had a party going. Officer Buttnugget came and gave us a noise violation.
Now, most college students would just buck up the few hundred bucks and pay the fine. Not us, we were going to fight this tooth and nail. We went, plead not guilty and paid a refundable $50 and started to devise a plan.
We had a house meeting to decide how we were going to fight this bullshit charge. We researched the city noise ordanice and found out that it contains a very loose defination of what is considered a noise violation.
Drunk Eric Gets Ride in Cop Car
It was cold as a motel bible on this Friday Night at IUP. It was so cold that that some of my hardcore drinking buddies would not make the 20 minute walk to the bars. When my friends turn down beer for warmth, you better believe that it is cold out.
Leaving the stragglers (read: pussies) behind to watch movies with the girlfriends, a select few of us take the walk uptown to attempt to bring home a fresh piece of tail. We get to the Coney and start to host a sausage party at our table. It figures that not many people would be out on a night like this.
Because there wasn't much going on, I decided that I was going to make the walk home alone, call my girlfriend and see what I could talk her into doing. I walk up to the coat check and I cant find my coat. Just wanting to get home, I pick the first coat that feels like mine.
I put the coat on and for some reason the zipper was on the opposite side that I remember, and there were keys in the pocket. Yeah, this coat was defiantly a girl’s jacket. If it fit me I did not want to know what she looked like; not that I am unattractive, but who would want to meet a 6'1 215 pound girl. Anyway, I stumble outside attempting to figure out the left handed zipper.
After about five drunken minutes of trying to figure out the zipper while walking, I finally got it. No sooner, I slip a sheet of ice that detached from Antarctica and made its way to the sidewalk I was traveling. Staying true to their form; when someone stumbles on their way home from a bar, the Indiana Borough Police are quickly on the scene.
At this point, I am anything but sober (damn jager-bombs). I figure that I am headed to the drunk tank and there is nothing at I can do about it. I start popping off to the fuzz. The conversation went something like this.
Cop: Where are you coming from?
Eric: The Coney.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Eric: 2 or 3 (lies, all lies)
Cop: Could I see your ID?
Eric: Why?
Cop: You fell on your ass.
Eric: Look at the sheet of ice. Tonya Harding (ok. Bad analogy) would have fallen.
Cop: Give me your ID!
Eric: Isn’t this harassment?
Cop: (in a befuddled stare) Why would it be?
Eric: You guys profile. You pick on people that "stumble" on their way out of a bar. You just sit there and wait for an unsuspecting kid, then arrest them to hit your quota.
Cop: (silence in defeat)
Eric: The least you could do is give me a ride home.
Cop: Where do you live?
Eric: By Giant Eagle
Cop: Get in.
When the cops pulled into the parking lot, I tried getting out of the back of the cop car. I was to drunk to remember that one can not get out of the back seat of a cop car. The driver of the cop car tells me to wait until his partner lets me out. I get out of the car start walking and hear the cop tell me that I forgot my keys. I walk back to get the obviously girly key ring, get an odd look from the cop and continue on my way. Right after the cops pass me, I take the keys and throw them in the largest snow bank that I could find.
Moral of the story: Most cops are assholes; some cops are just stupid.
Leaving the stragglers (read: pussies) behind to watch movies with the girlfriends, a select few of us take the walk uptown to attempt to bring home a fresh piece of tail. We get to the Coney and start to host a sausage party at our table. It figures that not many people would be out on a night like this.
Because there wasn't much going on, I decided that I was going to make the walk home alone, call my girlfriend and see what I could talk her into doing. I walk up to the coat check and I cant find my coat. Just wanting to get home, I pick the first coat that feels like mine.
I put the coat on and for some reason the zipper was on the opposite side that I remember, and there were keys in the pocket. Yeah, this coat was defiantly a girl’s jacket. If it fit me I did not want to know what she looked like; not that I am unattractive, but who would want to meet a 6'1 215 pound girl. Anyway, I stumble outside attempting to figure out the left handed zipper.
After about five drunken minutes of trying to figure out the zipper while walking, I finally got it. No sooner, I slip a sheet of ice that detached from Antarctica and made its way to the sidewalk I was traveling. Staying true to their form; when someone stumbles on their way home from a bar, the Indiana Borough Police are quickly on the scene.
At this point, I am anything but sober (damn jager-bombs). I figure that I am headed to the drunk tank and there is nothing at I can do about it. I start popping off to the fuzz. The conversation went something like this.
Cop: Where are you coming from?
Eric: The Coney.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Eric: 2 or 3 (lies, all lies)
Cop: Could I see your ID?
Eric: Why?
Cop: You fell on your ass.
Eric: Look at the sheet of ice. Tonya Harding (ok. Bad analogy) would have fallen.
Cop: Give me your ID!
Eric: Isn’t this harassment?
Cop: (in a befuddled stare) Why would it be?
Eric: You guys profile. You pick on people that "stumble" on their way out of a bar. You just sit there and wait for an unsuspecting kid, then arrest them to hit your quota.
Cop: (silence in defeat)
Eric: The least you could do is give me a ride home.
Cop: Where do you live?
Eric: By Giant Eagle
Cop: Get in.
When the cops pulled into the parking lot, I tried getting out of the back of the cop car. I was to drunk to remember that one can not get out of the back seat of a cop car. The driver of the cop car tells me to wait until his partner lets me out. I get out of the car start walking and hear the cop tell me that I forgot my keys. I walk back to get the obviously girly key ring, get an odd look from the cop and continue on my way. Right after the cops pass me, I take the keys and throw them in the largest snow bank that I could find.
Moral of the story: Most cops are assholes; some cops are just stupid.
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