The Earring Story

The night started out innocently enough. Just a few guys around doing jager-bombs, Irish Carbombs, and bonging Natural Ice from a 2 story beer bong complete with a shutoff valve. After someone had the great revelation that we were having a sausage party, we march uptown. With Big Steve leading the charge, we were headed to Wolfendales.

Wolfendales is like any other college town dance bar. On most nights this is where you go when you are really drunk, and want to make an ass out of yourself. After the overly-brisk walk to the bar, I sense that my beer goggles are at about a power 3. Meaning that I have a 3 point swing in the standard "out of 10" rating system. Meaning a 10 could be a 7, a 7 could be a 4. Not so bad with the high end, but when you think she is a respectful 6, she could be a 3. Anyway, if you don’t get it by now, stop reading.

Steve calls me over to the bar, whips out a fat wad of cash and says start namming shots. We did some snake bites, jack, jager, a deathwish (wild turkey, jager and rupplemints), and other assorted shots. In retrospect I estimate my beer goggles were at least a power 8. Its basically luck in this stage of the game. I picked the first willing girl to want to dance with me. She had on a cute cabbie hat, and had a thick southern accent. That’s all that was needed for me.

I eventually sell this girl who will remain nameless, because I don’t know her name, to come back to my house because she had to see my sweet room. We get up to my room, and we start going at it. We are making out on the couch when she starts sucking on my left ear. I hear a distinct click, and I know that my hoop earring has been unhooked. I go to feel my ear, and my earring was not there, its the type that hooks into itself and you can just pull on to get it off; so it did not hurt.

I look at the girl, and I notice this concerned look on her face. I kindly asked if she could put my earring on my desk. She told me that she did not know where it went. I just flat out ask her if she ate my earring. She confessed to eating it, and told me that she would buy me another one tomorrow. At

Figuring if the girl was that good at sucking things off, I decided to propose to her, “If you can suck my earring off my ear, I'd like to see what you can do with my dick.” I asked and she performed. I had the worst case of whiskey dick, she had no chance to get me off. After she her efforts went unrewarded, I decided that there was no reason to have sex if I cant get off, and the bitch ate my earring, I tell her that I am going to bed, you sleep on the couch.

The next morning rolls around, I have a terrible headache and vivid memories of bringing home a girl. Sure enough there she was, on my couch. After seeing her, I immediately go into, "get ugly chick out of my house before my roommates see her" mode. That means getting past 3 roommates, and whoever crashed at the house that night. I roll downstairs to a living room chalked full of awake and suspicious friends.

Everyone down there was in a really good mood. They all know that I brought home a girl, becasue at some point during the night I said to Steve, "I am going home to fuck this girl" I just decided that I am going to come clean, and tell them everything about last night. Hey, if I tell the truth I might be able to get a laugh out of it. I told them I didn’t fuck her because she ate my earring. They all thought that was funny, until I told them what she looked like.

I go back upstairs to kick the bitch out of my room. I find her upstairs in tears. Turns out that she is from Alabama, and is up visitng her sister. She had no idea where she was, or what was going on. She tried calling her sister to come pick up up, but her sister wasnt answering her calls. I let this go on for about five minutes, then I tell her that I dont give a fuck, and that she had to leave.

I bit the bullet and walked her out of the house. This girl had to have noticed Mooter putting a pillow over his head so he wouldn’t bust out laughing. Woods was not quite so nice. He saw her and just started busting out laughing and making fun of her for eating my earring. This girl was so embarrassed that she literally ran down the steps and out the door. By this time, I was laughing so hard that I was in tears.

Moral of the Story:

Never swollow an earring. It will make you unattractive when I sober up.