Drunk Eric Gets Ride in Cop Car

It was cold as a motel bible on this Friday Night at IUP. It was so cold that that some of my hardcore drinking buddies would not make the 20 minute walk to the bars. When my friends turn down beer for warmth, you better believe that it is cold out.

Leaving the stragglers (read: pussies) behind to watch movies with the girlfriends, a select few of us take the walk uptown to attempt to bring home a fresh piece of tail. We get to the Coney and start to host a sausage party at our table. It figures that not many people would be out on a night like this.

Because there wasn't much going on, I decided that I was going to make the walk home alone, call my girlfriend and see what I could talk her into doing. I walk up to the coat check and I cant find my coat. Just wanting to get home, I pick the first coat that feels like mine.

I put the coat on and for some reason the zipper was on the opposite side that I remember, and there were keys in the pocket. Yeah, this coat was defiantly a girl’s jacket. If it fit me I did not want to know what she looked like; not that I am unattractive, but who would want to meet a 6'1 215 pound girl. Anyway, I stumble outside attempting to figure out the left handed zipper.

After about five drunken minutes of trying to figure out the zipper while walking, I finally got it. No sooner, I slip a sheet of ice that detached from Antarctica and made its way to the sidewalk I was traveling. Staying true to their form; when someone stumbles on their way home from a bar, the Indiana Borough Police are quickly on the scene.

At this point, I am anything but sober (damn jager-bombs). I figure that I am headed to the drunk tank and there is nothing at I can do about it. I start popping off to the fuzz. The conversation went something like this.

Cop: Where are you coming from?
Eric: The Coney.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Eric: 2 or 3 (lies, all lies)
Cop: Could I see your ID?
Eric: Why?
Cop: You fell on your ass.
Eric: Look at the sheet of ice. Tonya Harding (ok. Bad analogy) would have fallen.
Cop: Give me your ID!
Eric: Isn’t this harassment?
Cop: (in a befuddled stare) Why would it be?
Eric: You guys profile. You pick on people that "stumble" on their way out of a bar. You just sit there and wait for an unsuspecting kid, then arrest them to hit your quota.
Cop: (silence in defeat)
Eric: The least you could do is give me a ride home.
Cop: Where do you live?
Eric: By Giant Eagle
Cop: Get in.

When the cops pulled into the parking lot, I tried getting out of the back of the cop car. I was to drunk to remember that one can not get out of the back seat of a cop car. The driver of the cop car tells me to wait until his partner lets me out. I get out of the car start walking and hear the cop tell me that I forgot my keys. I walk back to get the obviously girly key ring, get an odd look from the cop and continue on my way. Right after the cops pass me, I take the keys and throw them in the largest snow bank that I could find.

Moral of the story: Most cops are assholes; some cops are just stupid.